The Opposite of Love
by livdunham
Summary: Jane finds herself wondering about her daughter's past and decides to take action on her maternal instincts. Avery reflects on the second chance life is giving her. Post 3.12
1. Chapter 1

She had been on her phone all morning, quiet, completely immersed in her thoughts, eyes fixed on the screen. She had decided to sleep in the guest room, away from Weller, trying to give him some space and trying to clear her head, but her thoughts were far away from there. Jane found herself thinking about that brown eyed girl who had been her daughter long ago, in another life, a life she couldn't remember, a life that was stolen from the both of them.

She closed her eyes, as if going to sleep, but the silence in the room was deafening, it was hard to sleep in a bed without him by her side and with Avery in her mind. The tears were threatening to flood her eyes but she managed to swallow them with a gasp. By two am she went to the room that once was her bedroom and tucked herself next to her husband, who turned and kissed her forehead, as if knowing about the storm inside of her.

By morning Weller wasn't there anymore and she thought she had awoken in that lonely hotel room again, knowing that nothing has changed, but the smell of freshly made coffee and the handwritten note on the bedside table took her back to reality and she allowed herself to breath in peace just for a while.

Jane looked up at the ceiling and remembered the countless, sleepless nights she had in that bed, too happy to go to close her eyes, too convinced that her life was nothing but a beautiful dream, when she still couldn't believe she had a family, a man who loved her, when she thought that if she closed her eyes, she'd be thrown into Times Square again just to wake up in a hospital bed alone and scared. She had left the apartment just a week ago but it felt like a hundred years, the dark walls welcomed her back as the sun warmed her tattooed skin, as the morning greeted her from the window, and then those dark eyes came back to haunt her and she could feel her heart sinking in her chest.

"Avery", she whispered, heart racing.

Her daughter was there, in the same country, the same city, all by herself in a lonely safe house, a place she didn't belong in, with unknown agents watching her back, living in the same awful reality Jane experienced after waking up, and she remembered how much she needed someone by her side, someone who could answer her questions and keep her safe at night.

There was an alert on her phone, it was an automatic reply from the FBI server and ignored it completely, just to open the app that now had become her favorite surveillance device, an open book into Avery's life. If she couldn't get anything from the girl, she'd get it from her story.

Avery had lived a happy life, surrounded by nice friends and visiting amazing places, there was always a smile on her face, a smile she hasn't gotten to know yet and she was dying to get any reaction from her daughter that wasn't just resentment, betrayal and anger, but what could she do? Haven't she felt the same way when she looked at herself in the mirror that first night at the safe house? And then she wondered if Avery had the same experience as well, and she realized that she haven't been handling this the right way.

There was a lot of stuff going on at the moment, the sudden realization that she had a daughter, that said daughter loathed her and her crumbling marriage; every time she tried to fix something, another thing came on her way to unsettle her pace again.

"You ok?" Weller was leaning against the door frame, eyes locked in her expression, worried.

Jane looked up and wondered for how long he had been there, looking at her in silence, trying to read her face and she knew that he knew her too well to lie to him about her feelings; and she was in no mood to lie to him again, not after everything that had happened between them lately.

She sighed and locked the phone's screen. "She had a life before all this, you know?"

He looked at her and he felt it, that unsettledness, that feeling of being trapped and not knowing what to do anymore. He was afraid she would go back to that dark place, enclosing herself in her own mind, keeping so much distance, carrying her burdens on her shoulders.

Weller sat next to her, keeping a polite distance to see her face, to study even her smallest expressions. He still remembered how broken she looked the night before, as broken as he was, and despite everything that had happened between them, he still wanted her to be happy, he still wanted Jane.

"I've been looking at photos of Avery al morning" She finally said, almost whispering, almost tired, as if talking about the subject meant a big effort, but it was difficult to breathe, it was difficult to keep pretending and it was even harder to tell herself that Avery would come around. "She had friends, a family who loved her. She traveled the world and she looked happy. No wonder why she hates me so much"

"Jane" Weller whispered, trying to find the right words to say, some new words she hadn't already heard from him, from herself, anything, but there was nothing on his mind that could make things right. "She doesn't hate you. She's confused and alone. She's been brainwashed by Roman and…" He sighed, finding the one thing that could make the difference. "She looked for you before Roman got to her, remember?"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thank you for the encouraging words! This second chapter is a slow burner and really emotional. I hope you like and I'd be glad to read your comments, they help me improve and go into the right direction.

* * *

 **CHAPTER 2**

Jane knew it was a bad idea going there. Even after all the time that had passed since the day she saw her face, she still couldn't shake the awful feeling she brought to her senses.

Maximum security was an awful place to spend the rest of your life in, but at least the world was a safer place without Shepherd on the streets and with unlimited funds to do whatever she wanted to the country. She got was she deserved, even if it didn't make Jane feel any better about her fate; her stepmother was a monster, she had controlled her life from the beginning and she had fooled and hurt Weller for almost the same amount of time, there was no forgiveness and she shouldn't feel any remorse, but she did and she'll always do.

For one thing she was grateful, though, it was because of Shepherd that she got to meet Weller five years ago and, luckily, that meeting was safe from any bitter memory brought by the former terrorist.

Now she was walking down the over secured visiting room, ready to face her, ready to ignore any kind of manipulation that could come out of her mouth, she wouldn't let her control her life again, her mind, her thoughts, because in the state she was in, only a few words from that woman could make her change her mind.

But Jane wasn't ready to what found in that room.

"So, what happened?" Had asked Weller when he found his wife sitting alone across the locker room, expressionless, wet hands.

She looked up in a slow movement and pierced Weller's eyes with hers; she felt numb, light-headed, with no desire to talk, there was nothing to say after all, the whole thing was a waste of time.

"Nothing" She managed to mumble. "She had no information on Crawford, there's nothing linking her to Avery's adoptive parents" She wanted to believe in her words, she wanted to blame on Shepherd all the pain, but she couldn't, she still was in the same place as before, thinking there was no way out of it.

Weller walked towards her in silence and put a lock of hair behind her ear, gently, cautious.

"I think I'm going to take the rest of the day off"

"Whatever you need" He could see the pain in her eyes. There was an urge to ask more, to be there for her, but he knew she needed space. "Do you want a ride home?"

Jane wanted to deny his offer, but nodded instead, she still hasn't forgiven herself for being so selfish, for pushing him away when he was trying to do his best to save their marriage while she was too busy immersed in her own thoughts.

Everything happened in slow motion, she was taken aback by the sudden flood of memories invading her mind, it was hard to breathe, it was hard to walk, but there she was, Shepherd standing next to her bed with a fake smile on her face, the smile that was bad news for everybody near her. She was still too tired to fight back, her limbs were numb and she couldn't protect her, even though her baby was sleeping just a few inches away from her.

"Don't worry" Said Shepherd, mischievously "I'll take care of this" and she proceeded to inject something on Remi's IV.

The paralyzer hit too quick and she saw, in horror, how her mother took her baby from the crib; she was taking her away and Remi couldn't do anything to stop her, she wanted to scream, to nock that woman unconscious, snap her neck, but all she could do was to witness a nightmare. Where was Roman? Was he part of this? Did she hurt him? Where was she taking the baby?

Jane's hands started to sweat again as she roamed the apartment, unsettled. Her heart was beating too fast, she couldn't breathe, she was dying. She was still paralyzed in that hospital bed, unable to act, unable to protect her baby girl. All she could hear was her baby cry in the distance as she was being taken away.

Sitting on the floor, Jane pictured a newborn in a solitary crib, crying, no one coming to her, no one taking care of her needs. She could feel her baby's hunger, her loneliness and she wondered for how long her daughter had been in an orphanage, waiting, cold and hungry. She was let down by her mother, who couldn't find her, who joined the army just to cope with the loss, as if giving up on her child just to lose all memories of her a few years later.

She couldn't let that baby girl grow alone, scared, resentful for the things that happened in her past and for the things her biological mother didn't do for her.

Avery had the good fortune to grow in a good family, she had wonderful parents who loved her deeply and they apparently provided for their adoptive daughter to have an amazing life. Jane was grateful for that, she wished she could meet the couple and thank them personally, but she also felt jealous of them; all the moments into her daughter's life were stolen, even the memories before that were erased from her mind, she couldn't remember the way her belly grew bigger with the passage of the months, she couldn't remember giving birth, all she could recall was a horrible memory of her stepmother taking her daughter away and waking up to an empty crib.

But that baby had returned to her life, that baby was now a woman, trapped in a safe house, probably wishing she didn't try to find her biological mother, maybe she cried at night, maybe she missed her parents and wished her biological mother wasn't as troubled as she is.

The day dragged, painfully slow, Avery's face stuck in her head, trying to find the right words to say. She was a mom now, and as reality started to sink in, she realized she had no idea how to be one, she never had one, at least she could remember, because Ellen Briggs was anything but a mother.

Jane wiped away the tears from her face and tried to clear her face, she had already had an emotional morning and the day wasn't still over. Taking only the keys from the counter, she left the place with determination, with a goal set in mind.

Avery opened the door and froze when she saw Jane outside. There was a lump in her throat, a lump that had been there since the day she saw Jane's face in Berlin, because she was aware of Jane's pain, the struggle in her eyes. Her own brother had betrayed her and made her up. Avery was still confused about Roman's actions, she was trying to make some sense of their story; of course she knew that he hadn't told her everything and that his purpose was to make her see Jane as the enemy, but she was confused and didn't know who to trust, she was scared to be let down.

"Hi, Avery" Jane greeted shyly, eyes shining from the shred tears.

"Hi…"

"May-May I come in?" Avery stood aside, letting Jane in and sat across the place, as far away from her as possible.

"Everything ok?"

Jane gave her a weak smile. What was she doing there?

She looked at her daughter, her slim figure and long dark hair reminded her of Remi, there was an unmistakable resemblance between them; for what Weller had told her and for what she had seen, Avery was stubborn and driven, just like Jane, and she realized, that despite the distance between them, she was her blood, she was her lost baby, she was real.

Avery coughed, not to break the awkward moment, but to swallow the tears and the uncomfortable pain in her throat.

"Are you sick?"

"What do you care? Are you here to make sure I'm not sneaking out? That I'm not drinking? What are you doing here anyway?" He voice was as cold as ice, her face unreadable.

"Avery, please"

"Avery what? I want you to leave me alone, don't you see that? I don't need you, I don't need any of you. I'm a prisoner, I can't leave this place, and I can't leave this country!"

"Avery, stop, this is hard on me too" Avery snorted. "Do you think I want you to be here alone? Under custody? I've been there too and I felt lonely, I was lost but I didn't know where to go, I had no place in the world, I don't want you to feel like that too"

"It's too late for that now." She spit.

"I want to help you" Jane continued, her heart in her hand, crushing. "But I can't if you don't allow me to, please, tell me what you need."

"I need you to leave me alone, I don't…" She sighed.

"You what?"

"I don't know" The lump was too big now and the tears were threatening to leave her eyes. "I don't know where I belong anymore, I don't know who I am" Tears streamed down, warm, containing all the pain, all the fear, all the regret. She let Jane's arms wrap her in a warm embrace, she could smell the leather, her citric perfume, and she could feel her emptiness.

"It's ok" Jane whispered, caressing her hair, containing her daughter for the first time, feeling a connection she had never felt before.

And then Avery stepped back.

"No it's not, and it's never gonna be. I want you to leave"

Jane stood there, broken, and she was back into that hospital bed again, witnessing how her daughter was taken away from her, losing her.

She walked through the empty streets. It was dark and she lost track of the way, never putting much attention to it, her mind far away from the empty streets of New York. She stopped at a red sign even though there were no cars nearby, she stood there for a moment, as if trying to make a decision, as if waiting for her mind to recover the ability to think, until she fell down to her knees and dialed Weller's number.

"Jane, Jane where are you" His worried voice made her cry harder. "Jane!"

"Kurt" She managed to whisper. "I'm losing her"


End file.
